I am reading Greg Yoder's book, Companioning The Dying, and he writes some very interesting things.
In the forward, Alan Wolfelt, writes:
"A dying soul knows what it needs, and a profound aspect of companioning the dying is to "bear witness" and "give attention" to the deep desires of our fellow human beings." p.2
Yesterday, I participated in a survey being done by a doctoral student on the training that therapists receive in providing services to the dying and the bereaved. I had none. I am totally self taught.
Like so much in a therapist's knowledge and skills, the most valuable experience I have had is personal. My father died in my home of cancer in 1983 at the age of 65. I was 36.
Two of my children were killed in a drunk driving crash in 1993. Ryan was 8 and Brigid was 5. Because of this event many people who have lost children seek services from me.
Right now in my caseload, one client's mother is terminally ill and dying from cancer, and one of my clients has terminal cancer.
And so the big question is how to deal with myself as I deal with clients who are dying, and who have loved ones who are dying?
While therapists have personal experiences and feelings of their own, they are ethically bound to put their clients needs ahead of their own. This assumes that therapists know themselves.
Yoder makes the point that in order for the therapist to attend to and be there for the client, the therapist must be confortable and present to him/herself.
Oddly, companioning the dying, involves first and foremost companioning oneself so that the therapist's anxiety is low. The most powerful therapeutic ingredient is what Edwin Friedman called a "nonanxious presence." And how, in the face of life's most existential challenges, does one become nonanxious?
This is article #1 in a series on serving in the presence of death and dying.
Thank you for your well written piece. Many of us unfortunately have read horror stories about the funeral business. Regrettably there are companies selling cremation urns online which are not much more reputable. While they spend lavish amounts of money on web sites dripping with sympathy – many of these companies are nothing more than a site that drop ships product. Beware of sellers that do not have a physical address or the names of the principals of the company on the site – what are they hiding from? I had an issue with a company called Perfect Memorials ( Perfectmemorials.com ) and there was no one from the company that would talk to me. While I could call to order an urn – I could not speak to an owner or manager over the phone – they insisted that we only communicate via email. An evasive tactic if I ever saw one! Perfect Memorials is really a company that invested heavily in the web – but puts very little into the human contact part of the funeral/memorial industry. I would be careful of Perfectmemorials.com and others like them.
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