Walking on eggshells in the Borderline family never knowing what to expect

Christine Lawson writes in her book, Understanding The Borderline Mother,

"Children of borderlines never know from one minute to the next how their mother feels about them. Like the game, 'She loves me, she loves me not,' the mother's moods can suddenly change from affection to rage, creating an uncertain and insecure emotional environment. Winnicott (1962) emphasized the importance of the child's need for the 'good enough mother' who provides enough consistency and calmness so that the child is not overhwhelmed by anxiety." p. 7

Dr. Lawson quotes a client who says "...they don't seem to have any rules in particular: at least if there are, nobody attends to them - and you've no idea how confusing it is..."

Fathers with Borderline wives have the same problem in terms of never knowing what to expect. Moods can change in an instant and over trivial things which usually are perceived by the Borderline as some threat of rejection or abandonment which can be as simple as disagreement over some minor preference which is perceived and interpreted as a betrayal and a sign of disloyalty.

Keeping the lid on things often takes major effort if it is possible at all. Other family members are put in the position of having to sooth, conjole, reassure, acquiesce, submit or there will be further hell to pay. Children growing up in such families either become Borderline and troubled themselves or very skilled at interpersonal relationships because they are so good at "reading" other people, anticipating their emotional needs, and managing the other person's emotional needs for them.

Never knowing what to expect leads to tension and anxiety and this is a heavy burden for a child to carry who often becomes the caretaker for the parent rather than the other way around. The motto in Borderline families is "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", and because of the Borderline disorder, mama ain't happy a lot of the time, and it takes many years for children and spouses to learn that it is not in their power to "fix it" as much as they would like to.

This is article #2 in a series on Borderline Parenting.