"But about a third of parents lose their way. Temporarily or permanently, they get lost in their private wilderness. They despair of ever finding a path, or they cease to believe that there can be a life for them beyond their loss."
Barbara Rosof, The Worst Loss, p.131
Why do some people get stuck in their grief and some seem to negotiate it and move on with their lives? There are many possible contributing factors:
1. Multiple losses in a short duration of time.
2. Delayed grief for various reasons.
3. Distorted grief - blaming others (and God)for the loss
4. Somatized grief - Mourner becomes physically ill.
5. Substance abuse
6. Negative responses from others
7. Ambivalent relationship with the child
8. Personality traits that interfere with trust
9. Too quick to replace the loss child with another
10. Avoidance of emotional pain.
11. Previous life experiences that were traumatic
12. Pre-existing and concomitant psychiatric disorders
There are undoubtedly other factors as well.
The technical word in the psychotherapeutic field is "complicated bereavement" which simply means that the mourner's grieving has transcended the usual parameters of grieving.
While well meaning people, even professionals, try to reassure people that there is no one right way to grieve, there are symptoms which lie outside of what could be considered healthy grieving. What are some of them?
1. Substance abuse
2. Uncontrollable suicidal and homicidal ideas
3. Lack of self care
4. Significant cognitive disorganization
5. Life threatening, irresponsible behavior
6. Continued poor sleep
7. Prolonged inability (2 weeks and longer) to care for and meet the significant needs of persons the mourner is responsible to.
Help for complicated bereavement is challenging to find. Most health care professionals will attempt to treat the symptoms, but do not have the interest, knowledge, and/or ability to assess and address the underlying obstacles to healthy grieving. This is usually done in psychotherapy with the individual, family, or in a group. While psychotherapy can be helpful, it is no magic key or silver bullet and it will take awhile to help the person get unstuck and get moving again.
Medications can be helpful temporarily to diminish the intensity of psychological symptoms, and/or to treat underlying psychiatric disorders, but they are not recommended for healthy grieving. Grief is a normal, appropriate, human reaction to loss. It is not a pathological condition which requires medical treatment.
This is article #16 in a series on Grieving Parents.
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