Grieving parents - the constant reminders

There is a balance between too constant reminders of the dead child and not enough. Parents need to get away from dwelling on their grief, but often feel guilty about enjoying themselves when their child is dead. This feels like a betrayal of sorts.

This issue of enjoying pleasure comes up for couples around sex. Men find great comfort in physical contact and women find it off putting and an additional demand for solace when they are already enervated. Both are frustrated and annoyed but for different reasons.

Removing clothing, toys, and other reminders of the child is often a difficult task which often signals further acceptance of the loss which can seem overwhelming until the time is right. In our case, it was over two years before things were removed and bedrooms re-arranged. While I wanted to do it sooner, my wife and children objected saying it gave them comfort to be able to still see Brigid and Ryan's things.

The time will come when re-organization of one's life will feel right, until then, the items may be comforting reminders of the love one's life and activities.

What may seem morbid to some can be a great comfort to others. Don't presume to know the significance of the reminders. It is not only Okay to ask but I recommend it. Then, be respectful, take your time, there is no need to hurry grief along. In fact, it can do damage.

It is important to encapsulate grief in ritualistic ways that can be periodically engaged in such as visits to the cemetery, remembrances such as a candle on the table at meal times on special occasions, a memory book or box to collect memorabilia of the person's life. Many families like to make a donation to a charity, start a scholarship fund, have a golf tournament as a public way of memorializing the life of their lost child.

People's grief needs to be and deserves to be recognized, acknowledged, and the loss memorialized. Finding socially appropriate ways to do this provides a huge comfort not only to the mourners, but to those who would like to participate and support the grieving process, but don't always know how.

Very often there is reluctance to bring the dead child up in conversation or to introduce other reminders into the interaction with the grieving parents and my motto is, "When in doubt, let it out." It is always better to err on the side of upsetting someone than to let the issue sit in silence like a cancer that does it's toxic work without being treated. So, if you are not sure, make mention of the dead child and introduce the reminder and then follow the mourners cues. If it is unwelcome you can always back off and if it is welcome you can pursue the conversation. In most cases the reminder will be a welcome opportunity to remember and discuss the loved one.

This is article # 17 in a series on Grieving Parents.