Grieving parents, the body is dead - what about the spirit?

Barbara Rosof writes in her book, The Worst Loss, (You can access this book from My Favorites in the side bar), "Sitting with other people's pain is an arduous discipline. It exposes me to my patient's experiences of loss and helplessness. Their sadness sets off resonances of my own losses. Listening, I am reminded of how little I can do." p. xi

It is difficult to be the shoulder to cry on. To be quiet and accepting without trying to stiffle the griever's expression of sadness. Some people can handle sadness and others find it unbearable. The difference is probably related to the comforter's own grief experience. If the comforter has grieved deeply and it didn't kill him or her, this person is the best to comfort others. If the comforter has unfinished grief work, it will be very difficult for this person to be a non-anxious presence for a griever.

Losing a child is an unnatural loss in our current culture. It is rare, and defies our sense of the order of things. It affects not only parents, but grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, schoolmates, and other peers. People don't know how to handle what has happened. Do they mention it or not mention it? Is it publically acknowledged and if so for how long and how?

After the initial calling hours, funeral, and initial 3 months or so, parents, and siblings, and grandparents are often left on their own. There is great hesitation and confusion about whether to mention the death or not.

I have very hard advice for people: when in doubt, bring it up. It is better to acknowledge the death than to avoid it and leave grievers emotionally isolated. Grief for a child goes on not for days, or weeks, or months, or even years, but for decades. The experience of one's relationship with the deceased child will go on for the rest of that person's life. The body is gone, but the spirit goes on in our memories and stories of our experience of that person. It is this acknowledgement of the child's spirit which is life giving, fulfilling, and enriching. The child's spirit can live on for the benefit of all, and usually provides the grieving parent with comfort and joy.

This is article #3 in a series on Grieving Parents.