Grieving parents and their marriage

It is a myth that loosing a child leads parents to divorce, but loosing a child is one of the most stressful and difficult things parents can deal with. As a family therapist here is my understanding of why:

1. Loosing a child, as stressful as it is, exacerbates any pre-existing problems in the relationship prior to the loss. Tragedy does not bring couples closer together, it pushes them apart.

2. Grieving takes a tremendous amount of energy and the rapport and connection between a couple is weakened when both partners are so enervated.

3. Loss hurts and we want someone to blame, who better than the ones we love the most? It is true that we tend to hate the most the ones we love the most, and hurt the most the ones we love the most.

4. Even if we don't blame in irrational ways our partner for the loss, we still tend to take our own hurting out on the one's we love. The partner is grieving too and can only take so much hurt, abuse, rejection, abandonment.

5. Because people often grieve differently and are so enervated, it is extremely difficult to validate and attend to the experience of the other, and since that experience is so devastating and disorganizing, the grieving spouse often feels abandoned by the partner.

What's the answer to the question, "How can couples best deal with their joint grief?" Here are some things I would recommend:

1. Patience. If that doesn't work, try more patience. If that doesn't work, then try more patience.

2. As difficult as it can be, listening. Be the shoulder for your partner to cry on which is very difficult when you are hurting too.

3. Asking others to help who are mature, not afraid of your joint grief, and who can be there for you as a couple. This might be a support group like Compassionate Friends, a Church group on mourning and grieving, counseling with a pastor or a professional.

4. Seek out sources of solace and understanding other than your partner, but let your partner know what you are doing.

5. When you both are ready talk with each other about what the child meant to each of you and how you felt about being the child's mother or father. The experience of our self in relation to the child can be quite different and is probably not the same as our spouse. It is very important to be respectful and accepting of these differences.

Angela and I did divorce after 35 years. We struggled mightily after Brigid and Ryan were killed. It went on for 7 years, but I had to get on with my life as I was the main support of the family and we have 7 living children while she was totally overwhelmed with her grief and got stuck.

The death of a long term committed marriage was the third death we had to deal with in addition to the two deaths of our children. However, there were pre-existing problems and the deaths of the children finally were the last straws.

Even though in my case, the marriage ended, we are in the minority and I am very hopeful that most couples can sustain their relationships, accept and incorporate their loss, and move on in a wiser, more compassionate, and loving way into the future.

This is article #13 in a series on Grieving Parents.